New Daughter-in-Law has taken my son

New Daughter-in-Law has taken my son

Question

Assalamalaikum

Just a quick question/clarification for a friend of mine who’s recently become a mother in law.

All these social media’s about how daughter in laws should not have to listen or do things as in laws say etc.

Why is it so negative?

What about the mother and father who spend years bringing up there sons just to later see when they married become more his wife?

Which in all honesty is good but how must the parents be feeling in this situation to see this but just stay quiet so no conflicts happen?

They’ll spend thousands on there wife

Fulfill their daily needs etc to someone they just met not so long ago which is perfectly fine but not even ask there parents if they need anything or even call?

What’s the world coming too - it’s really sad!

Answer

Wa'alaykum Salam WW,

I think there are two different issues which social media often mixes together.

Islamically, a daughter-in-law is not a servant of her husband's parents. She does not automatically have the same obligations towards her in-laws that she has towards her own parents, and a husband should not allow his parents to mistreat, control or unfairly burden his wife. So some of the advice online is correcting genuine cultural excesses, which unfortunately have dominated certain cultures over the last few decades.

But the correction can itself become excessive. Marriage does not cancel a son's obligations towards his parents. Allah places tremendous emphasis on birr al-wālidayn, kindness, service, respect and good companionship towards parents (Qur'an 17:23–24; 31:14–15).

A man acquiring a wife does not mean his mother and father suddenly become peripheral people in his life.

In fact, a healthy Islamic family shouldn't frame it as "wife versus mother". They have different rights. His wife has rights to maintenance, companionship, affection, time, privacy and protection. His parents have rights to kindness, attention, respect, maintaining ties and, where they are in need and he has the means, financial support. Fulfilling one set of rights should not require neglecting the other.

And I think the emotional point in your friend's question is important. Imagine parents spending 20, 25 or 30 years raising a son, feeding him, worrying about him, sacrificing for him, and after marriage they hardly hear from him. He happily spends on his new household, which he should, but never thinks, "Does Mum need anything? Is Dad okay? When did I last sit with them or phone them?" That can be extremely painful. Islam doesn't teach that.

At the same time, parents also have to recognise that marriage naturally changes a son's life. His wife is now his immediate family and he has serious responsibilities towards her. His time cannot remain exactly as it was before marriage. A mother shouldn't interpret every dinner with his wife, holiday together, gift, or decision made as a couple as "she has taken my son away from me." That attitude can also damage a marriage.

Maybe the principle I would give your friend is:

A good daughter-in-law should not be treated as a servant, and good parents should not be treated as strangers.

A good son does not prove his love for his wife by neglecting his parents, nor prove his loyalty to his parents by neglecting his wife.

Social media tends to talk almost entirely in the language of "my rights": "You don't owe your mother-in-law anything"; "your wife comes first"; "set boundaries"; "you don't have to..." Some of that may be legally or technically correct in a particular situation, but families cannot flourish on legal minimums alone.

Islam also teaches iḥsān, raḥmah, ṣilah, khidmah and generosity, doing good even where you cannot say, "This is strictly obligatory upon me."

So I wouldn't tell a new mother-in-law, "You have no rights now; stay out of their lives." Nor would I tell her, "Your daughter-in-law must obey and serve you." Instead, give the young couple room to build their marriage, maintain a loving relationship with your son without trying to control him, and welcome your daughter-in-law rather than seeing her as someone who has come to take your son away.

Remember that she too has left the home and family she grew up with and is trying to find her place within a new family. Help her feel secure and welcomed. Don't make her feel that she is competing with you for your son's love; make her feel that, through marrying him, she has gained another family, and that you have gained a daughter too.

And the son needs to understand that marriage has increased his responsibilities; it hasn't erased the people who raised him. He now has a wife with genuine rights over him, but he still has parents with genuine rights over him too.

He shouldn't make his wife feel that she will always come second to his parents, but equally, he shouldn't make his parents feel that once he got married they became an afterthought. If he can remember what his wife needs, what she likes, where she wants to go and what would make her happy, he should also be able to ask himself, "When did I last call Mum? Have I spent some time with Dad? Do they need anything? Is there something I can do for them?"

And importantly, don't make your wife responsible for maintaining your relationship with your parents. They are your parents. Phone them yourself, visit them yourself, serve them, spend on them where needed and make time for them. At the same time, don't make your parents' happiness your wife's burden by expecting her to fulfil responsibilities that are actually yours.

Nor should the son become a messenger carrying every complaint from one side to the other. Part of his responsibility is to use wisdom, protect relationships and prevent small misunderstandings from becoming family conflicts.

If his wife is being treated unfairly, he should protect her respectfully. If his parents are being neglected or treated disrespectfully, he should address that too. He should not demonstrate loyalty to one by being unjust to the other.

A successful marriage shouldn't cost a man his relationship with his parents, and being a good son shouldn't cost him his marriage. **His challenge is to give both relationships their proper place, their proper rights and their proper love.

And there is advice for the daughter-in-law too.

It may be true that Islam does not make you responsible for serving your husband's parents in the same way that he is responsible towards them. But marriage and family life cannot be built only around the question, "What am I obliged to do?"

These are the people who raised the man you married. They loved him, sacrificed for him, worried about him and cared for him for many years before you entered his life. Recognising that does not diminish your position as his wife.

You do not have to compete with his mother for his love. The love of a husband for his wife and the love of a son for his mother are two completely different relationships.

So encourage your husband to phone his parents. Remind him to visit them. If he is buying something for you, there is nothing wrong with occasionally saying, "Shall we get something for Mum and Dad as well?" If they are elderly or need help, encourage him to be there for them. And where you can do something kind for them yourself, do it as iḥsān and good character, even where it is not technically your obligation.

Sometimes a daughter-in-law may say, "They're your parents, not mine." Technically, there are responsibilities that belong specifically to the son. But imagine how much love can be created in a family when instead she says, "They're your parents, and because I love you, I want you to be good to them."*

Of course, this does not mean accepting mistreatment, unreasonable interference or having no boundaries. Respect works both ways. But boundaries should protect relationships, not become walls that destroy them.

If both women approach the relationship with that spirit, the mother-in-law thinking, "I've gained a daughter," and the daughter-in-law thinking, "These are the parents of the man I love", many of the battles that social media tells us are inevitable don't need to happen at all.

There is enough love in a family for a man to be a devoted husband and a devoted son. The difficulty usually begins when somebody believes that one relationship can only succeed by diminishing the other.